The Noodle Game: Final Fight for the Vegetable
by ShaggyDiz
Summary: #3 - Our hero (the author) returns from the DBZ realm, coming upon the devastation of one insane psycho queen, a nurse who loves dead men, and a Summers veg.


Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men.  Simple.  If I did, worse things… well, I doubt that right now.

Note: Events take place during Chuck Austen's run on _Uncanny X-Men_, between issues 410 and 426.

Second note: Many of you don't know me.  If you want a simple fact, I am the older brother of the quite famous Disturbed Courtney.  Why you need to know this fact is unimportant to this story.  Be forewarned, this may be slightly offensive, but also take note that this is not to be taken seriously.  This is all in good humor, plus I really needed something to parody from Austen's run on _Uncanny X-Men_.  Some of the gag names won't be recognizable unless you read the original Noodle Game (currently under revision, since it sucks immensely).  Again, it's all in good humor, and to those who are actually enjoying the current stories that are occurring in UXM, then, well… I'm not sure what to say.

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The Noodle Game: Final Fight for the Vegetable

A one-shot by ShaggyDiz

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                It seemed to be a most ordinary day for the mutants at the mansion.  Women were bitching for no apparent reason, Bobby Drake – Iceman to the uninitiated – was making random comments about him being one of the original X-Men, Wolvie was his usual self (albeit in Xavier/Picard's lap), Magneto was finally thwarted, and the Stinkbomb Cyke/Jean-toad/Emma Frost love triangle took off into the backwoods of the mansion.  THE BEAST continued on his quest to find the cure for male pattern balding, and Archangel (or Angel, depending on who's writing him) had finally settled down with a woman ten years his younger.

                Life, as it seems, was good.

                Until the narrator made his unceremonious return from the Dragon Ball Z realm.

                "Shit," he said, cursing his luck.  "Damn that Gohan.  Ah well… it's great to be back where I started.  The X-Men!  Ha ha ha!"  His laughter continued unnoticed among the people crowding the front yard, which for some reason (only known to the narrator) they had to go.  Off they went, all 160 some people from the mansion (students, teachers and the like) onto the front lawns to a wrestling ring.

                "What is this ring for?" many people asked.  There was a loud clearing of the throat that got everyone's attention.  They turned to the ring, seeing the Hulk with a microphone in between his finger and his thumb.

                "HULK NO LIKE PUNY PEOPLE!  HULK SMASH PUNY PEOPLE!  BUT FIRST, HULK BRING YOU MAIN EVENT!"  He turned sideways, though barely, as he nearly took up every square inch of rung space.

                "FIRST, FROM LONELY PLACE OUT WEST, NECROPHILIAC ANNIE!"  The crowd gave a rousing ovation as Necrophiliac Annie, dressed in her hot anime nurse's outfit, stepped into the ring, although contained in her corner by the massiveness of the Hulk.  Meanwhile, he cleared his throat again, bringing everyone back to him.

                "NEXT, FROM DESTROY ISLAND OF GENOSHA, PSYCHO BITCH LORNA!"  Again, the crowd gave a rousing ovation, though not as loud as Necrophiliac Annie's, as Psycho Bitch Lorna – dressed in her reject Halloween costume – climbed into the ring.  She looked around threateningly, making sure people were cheering for her.  Seeing that it wasn't the case, she picked up Jean-toad with her powers of magnetism, and with a simple twist of the wrist, tore the red headed she-frog to pieces, making it the second (or third) time that she has died at the hands of the narrator.

                People cheered loudly in fear of death.

                "NOW, GIRLS FIGHT TO DEATH!" the Hulk shouted out, unfazed by the festivities around him.  "ONE WHO WINS WILL WIN FINAL PRIZE!  HULK BE RIGHT BACK!"  He leapt from the ring, clearing everyone around the ring easily before grabbing a man in a wheelchair and leaping back into the ring.  He picked up the man like a wet noodle and displayed him to the crowd.  "GIRL WHO WINS WILL RECEIVE VEGETABLE HAVOK, COURTESY OF STINKBOMB CYKE AND FAMILY!"  People cheered wildly, though they did not understand why they were.  Off in the distance, the narrator stood, controlling the crowd's reaction with the flip of a switch and the push of a button.  He had to be sure that no one cut the cords that connected the machine he had to the peoples' heads, or else they would all be lost in the Matrix forever.

                "HULK EXPLAIN RULES NOW!" he shouted, tossing Vegetable Havok back into his wheelchair before launching him back into the mansion.

                He landed safely back in his bed, and all the while, drool dripped out from his mouth.  The room was three feet in saliva two hours, though no one seemed to notice.

                "HULK WANT GOOD CLEAN FIGHT!  NO HITTING BELOW BELT!  NO KICKING IN SHINS!  HULK HATE SHIN KICKING!  HULK SMASH PUNY SHIN KICKING GIRLS!"

                "Um… Hulk?" the narrator spoke, coming up to the ring.

                "WHAT NARRATOR WANT FROM HULK?"

                "Well, I know you have a bad experience from shin kicking girls, but can you get on with this?  I'm running huge prices for this event, and people still need to pay up."

                "FINE!  HULK CONTINUE WITH RULES!"  He looked back into the ring, seeing the two fighters eyeing each other up.  "HMM… HULK THINK HULK SHOULD LET GIRLS FIGHT… HULK JUST GET OUT OF RING NOW… HULK SAYS 'FIGHT'!"

                It was a pretty quick one, to say the least.  Of course, most people would expect it this way, since Psycho Bitch Lorna could of easily ripped out Annie's spleen.

                That was not the case, however, because as soon as the bell rung, Annie jumped out of the ring and pulled something quite huge from underneath the ring.  She hopped back into the ring, lugging the object onto her shoulder.

                "A potato gun?" Lorna asked.

                "Not just any potato gun Lorna!" Annie yelled with a fury.  "This is my Industrial Strength Rocket Propelled Potato Gun!  Each French fries B1+C|-|!"  With that, Necrophiliac Annie launched a barrage of potatoes from her ISRPPG and pelted Psycho Bitch Lorna with an undying fury of brown potato shavings.  Being that the potatoes were rocket propelled, Lorna stood no chance, watching her magnetic shield crumble before being smacked repeatedly by large bulbous taters.  In a matter of seconds, Lorna was reduced to a boiling pile of blood, bones and hash browns.

                "NECROPHILIAC ANNIE WINS!" screamed the Hulk from ringside.  The crowd roared in utter glee and delight, though somehow they did it forcefully.  One by one, the mutants in the crowd touched the back of their necks, finding plugs in them.  Only the waving finger of the omnipresent narrator could prevent them from removing their life support systems.

                "PRESENT PRIZE!"

                "Wait!" came a sudden cry from above.  Everyone turned their heads to see a man floating down into the ring, dressed in a super tight outfit with purple Ray Bans.

                "North Star?" Annie asked surprised.

                "Vegetable Havok is mine!  No one else will have him but me!" he cried out as he landed.

                "What?  How?  I won fair and square!"

                "UM… GUYS?"

                "I love Havok with all my heart, and when I couldn't get Stinkbomb Cyke, I had to settle for the second best Summers' brother.  I will make him mine!"

                "You can't have him!" Annie cried out, pulling out her ISRPPG from her little nurses pocket and fired off numerous rounds of potatoes at North Star.  He was too quick for her, and he soon came upon her, knocking her out in one swift stroke with a speedy chop.

                The Hulk was speechless, to say the least.  "UM… WE HAVE NEW WINNER!  NORTH STAR!"  Again, the crowd cheered, a requirement for today's festivities.  North Star stood proud in the center of the ring, awaiting his prize.  Soon came Vegetable Havok, being wheeled out onto the field, more drool hanging from his lips, and somehow dressed in his quite cool outfit.  Further speculation would reveal that he had been wearing it all along.  North Star picked him up and held him like a sobbing baby, though Havok, being a mindless piece of broccoli, could only lay somewhat lifeless in his new lovers hands.  They flew off, presumably to Paris and the Eiffel Tower, leaving the death psycho and the unconscious necrophiliac to ponder about where they flew off to without leaving a trace of a plot thread.

The end.

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